quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
