I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
