Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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