fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
