i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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