I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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