you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
