yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
