What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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