can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
