If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
