I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
