haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
