I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
