soooo we both peed the bed last night...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
