i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
