I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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