Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
