You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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