I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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