Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i just google imaged poop.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism