You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
These 23 People Had Sex With Someone From Completely Different Cultures
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
25 Medical Facts That Need To Be Common Knowledge
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
