Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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