and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
