worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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