i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
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Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
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Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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