I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
