please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Randomize
