if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Randomize
