Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
