do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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