Jerry, you need to find god
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
