i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
