This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
