nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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