And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
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I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
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There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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