Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
