I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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