All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
