new low.... made out with someone while peeing
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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