Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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