Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
