peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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