I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
