My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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