I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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