dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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