I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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