She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
