You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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