Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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