They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
How's work?
Spinning.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
