Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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