Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
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Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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