Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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