Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
