We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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