It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Randomize
