sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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