Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
