Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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